New life begins with pain


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I have written about a lot of things since the first time I stared blogging three years ago, a lot of which have been about my personal life. But thinking today I realized that I have never actually written about what it’s like to have MS though I wrote about having it when I got diagnose I never wrote anything thing else about it after that.

So with that in mind I decide to write a little about what my life is like now or well how it has changed over the past year. I’ll start from the beginning how this all started, a few months before I was actually diagnose. That was little over a year ago now summer of 2010 which was actually going great, I had been working out and had gotten use to it to the point where I actually liked it. Guess that was my first sign that something bad was going to happen seeing how much I hate working out or even sweating but I was trying to be a normal person and actually make my weak body stronger. Oddly enough I had actually done just that, and for the first time in my life I could lift my own body weight (175 LB) well just about lift it, not a very big deal for a 19 year old but it was for me.

Well soon after that is when it all started to go downhill, I forgot the exact date it happened but I know it was a Tuesday, but before I tell what happened first a little about what my life was like why I saw myself as being different. First of was the pain, the constant headache that felt like my brain was about to explode, a few years like this changes a person’s mind, but I’m not sure if it was the pain or the pills that had the most effect. It doesn’t really matter which had the most effect I just know spending almost six years in pain or unable to function because of the amount of pills I would have to take to be free of the pain left me well screwed up. I became cold hearted almost void of all feeling, it was either the pain got worst when I felt anything and that includes joy or the pills just made me very carm so I didn’t feel anything anyway, oddly enough life was much easier not caring about anything was pretty nice but has its drawn backs just alike. Not to mention after all the pills stopped working the pain well it drove me a bit insane, the best way I can describe my state of mind back then would be well wasted all the time, basically I was a function drug addict without the drugs, that’s the sad part.

Anyway that was who I was till that day, which started like any other, my head was hurting and I was looking threw my computer for something to do. The pain started getting worst so I turned off the computer and laid down in my very dark room for a while which usually helps but didn’t help it just kept getting worst and worst. It must have been around 10AM when I got up and took something and got some ice for it. I’m not really sure how much longer it was before it was worse than I had ever felt before but by then it was too late to do anything about it, my ability to think that I might need to go to the doctor was long gone. But it was just the being, the pain got so bad I couldn’t feel anything else I lost my ability to hear, see, and feel anything but pain, I actually thought I was dying very slowly. Though it sounds bad it wasn’t over turns out being in that much pain your sense of time goes which means time seems to stop.

I spent the whole day in this state maybe seven hours, in that time I was trapped in my own mind screaming. To me years were passing and I could do nothing but scream hoping someone could hear me but my body didn’t budge one inch. I was lost I didn’t know how long the pain was at its worst but eventually my mind couldn’t take the pain and it shutoff or the pain lessen enough for my mind to. When I woke up that night I didn’t think I was alive, I was dazed nothing seemed real it didn’t help that my sense of touch no longer registered pain for about a week. With that it had begun my body had started down a hill that would ended with a cliff.

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