Living with MS sucks to say the least, days like today make me regret being born. Yes I know that’s a bit extreme but its true, I know its fine sometimes but its days like today that make me crazy. When I lose control of my mind, thoughts, and emotions. My thoughts go from fogy at best to a hell of jumbled words and images. But what I think drives me to the breaking point is the anger, so much of it for no reason at all. After spending so much of my life learning to control my mind with the aim of never being angry, only to have my mind sent down a bottomless pit or anger and rage with no out let is torcher of the worst kind for me.
Combining all this in one day that just won’t end, I honestly don’t know how I get through it. When at times it feels like I’m being forced to live, like every breath I take is being forced into my lungs. I feel every beat of my heart as the blood rushes through my body I can hear the loud beating and rushing blood as it goes through my body. i get lost and forget just where I am and just wish it would all just stop and I can just have some peace.
For me what makes days like this even worst is my normal coping mechanisms don’t work, the voices and sounds my mind uses to help take my attention of the pain I’m in or whatever else is making my day a bit hard to deal with, just all stop. My mind becomes a place of chaos and confusing so much so that it is near impossible for me to form a stable sentence. Well this is all I can do for now.