My mind just spanned out of control last night as my mind set in to the reality that I’m sick. It wasn’t the thought of being sick that make me a bit sad but what happened the messed me up, it was simple. I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and lost control of my right leg, no matter how hard I tried it just didn’t respond at all. I manage to get some control and basically drag myself back to my bed. The thoughts just came flowing into my mind at that point as the muscle in my leg pulled its self just enough to keep it self still but without cramping, I understood why I spent five years learning to meditate so this would never happen to me. The fact that it was happing and all I could do was lay there as my leg basically did what it wanted.
I couldn’t help but think about the fact that I was once again taking pills just to function again. It hit me because I was in class yesterday and all I could think was finding pain killers for my pounding headache, I thought that use to be a normal for me in high school and one that I worked very hard to get over, had been basically destroyed in a matter of one week seeing that last week taking painkillers for a headache would be the last thing on my mind no matter how much it hurts. The thought that I was no longer in control was just mad into a depressing thought as my leg tensed and I had no control to relax it for the next hour maybe more making it impossible to fall asleep which marked the three month make since I haven’t had a good night sleep, I mean I don’t sleep much but I usually sleep good for the short amount of time that I do. Well here is to hoping I can at least get some sleep sometime soon I’m going to need it if I’m going to catch up on all the work I have missed, but I’m sure I will.